Crush! Crush! Crush!

I have a new crush… like a real one. A real, live one! Not that the previous ones were dead or anything. They were very much alive. They were just not ‘in the flesh’. The likes of Wentworth Miller, who, it seems, didn’t think that the 20 year age difference between us made our relationship hard enough. He had to go ahead and rub his being gay in my face.

* Takes deep breathes and puts Ryan Lewis’ Same Love on repeat* 

There was also Ian Somerhalder… not so much Ian as the vampire he plays in The Vampire Diaries. He is hot but unfortunately he doesn’t meet criterion 2/2: ‘Being Alive’.

Unfortunately, I don't do 'undead'.

However, kuteseka ni kwa muda. Good things come to those who wait. Hope is that thing with wings… Okay, I don’t have the time to quote clichés. I have a new crush! You poor dear, you probably have no idea why I am this excited. You see, having a crush is not about the warm, fuzzy feelings and the sudden realization that every bad mushy love song was written with the two of you in mind. No, having a new crush is all about the thrill of having a new person to stalk. The less you know about the person, the more exhilarating the search will be.  It’s been a while and I know I’ve grown a little rusty but I’ll try to remember the basics so that I can break it down to you.

Personal Information. I don’t need to point out that the name, home and work address, phone number, KRA pin, blood type, BMI, police records, football team, web history, Facebook username, twitter handle and possibly kik username are the first things that you need to find out. No, unlike what the movies want to make you believe, you don’t need to hack into the police database for this stuff. You just need to infiltrate your crush’s inner circle. Work your way to the middle without causing any ripples. Should this fail to get you the desired information; you can always use death threats, blackmail and catnapping (no, we do not kidnap. What do you take me for? Some psycho?) as ammo.

Armed with this information, you can now find ways to strategically place yourself under your crush’s nose. Sit at their table at lunch; creep behind them in the book aisles in the library (that shit is romantic, trust me); acquire a sudden taste in his favourite football team (for God’s sake try to acquire some actual facts. Statements like ‘Ozil has such pretty, big eyes’ will get you booted. Try something like: ‘Ozil made two assists in their last game.’); show up at his favourite bar, ice cream parlour, coffee house, mutura outlet, grocery… the opportunities are infinite. 

With eyes like that who needs horoscopes?

Do NOT make initial contact. Look pretty and be constantly in his face and eventually he’ll get around to talking to you. (The talk may be in the form of a restriction order but let’s hope that it doesn’t get to that.) When he eventually does, make sure that you are armed with wit, sassiness and a great sense of humour… or a great pair of boobs. Make sure to casually bring his interests into the conversation. If possible, quote some of his tweets back to him. He will be taken aback at how similar the two of you are… how very soul-mate like… Keep initial contact short so as to build his anticipation.

At this point everything should pretty much fall into place if you’ve played your cards right. The lover will gradually turn to the beloved as the crush gets to know and consequently like you more and more. You’ll get into the habit of speaking 10 times a day. You’ll do all you favourite things together (in my case, this involves watching Juno 12 times). You’ll be happy. However, unless he’s the ONE, one of you will soon get bored. The exhilaration of the hunt will die down. You’ll fade into barely friends, acquaintances, and eventually… nothing.

So, about my tall, well built, light-skinned new crush who smells like sunshine after a gloomy morning…? I should get down to business. I don’t even know his name. I should, but I won’t. You see, I already know how the story will end. He’s not the ONE.