Losing Nigel

I lost Nigel... or rather; he was taken away from me. (Speaking of taking, Takers- The Movie makes stealing seem like such a worthy profession! Especially when the guy with a British accent says: “We’re Takers, gentlemen. That’s what we do for a living... We take.”) Unfortunately, Nigel’s Taker was not some sexy, black man with a British accent... that would have made it better somewhat. He was taken by a pale-faced, pregnant woman with shaved eyebrows that had been drawn back on. I can’t even remember her face... just the eyebrows.

Nigel is was my phone. Take a moment to roll your eyes and tsk-tsk at the fact that I named my phone while ignoring the more appalling facts of life like the fact that some people name their children ‘Bruno’ and ‘Rufus’ yet it’s pretty clear that those are names sorely reserved for dogs. He (Nigel) was a Samsung Galaxy Mini and though according to his manufacturers, who claim the SIII is the phone designed for humans, he wasn’t fit for human use; I believe that he would have suited a primate just fine. I wish I could say that the moment I got Nigel I felt as if he was The Phone...but I didn’t. He was such a problem child phone. He’d belonged to my dad for a while and I just couldn’t customize that masculinity out of him. But I loved him.

Now that he’s been taken there’s really very little that I can do. The pale-faced woman will probably pawn him off at below market-value. (I hate to think that he’ll be stuck in the hands of someone who shaves off their eyebrows only to draw them back on!) His new owner will probably defile him with bad music and delete all the apps that made him Nigel. In no time his screen will be scratched and cracked making him just another shit phone. He will think I let him get taken because he was never my idea of The Phone... because I always wanted an SIII whose screen wouldn’t go off granted that I was looking at it...whose screen had a higher definition and would never hang on me. Yes, I want an SIII for all the above reasons but I would have seen to it that he got a worthy owner if I had ever disposed of him.

I suppose a logical person would say that this is a lesson to me not to get too attached to inanimate objects, like my jeans... but all I can think about is the fact that I have had break-ups that felt less tragic...and that in itself is more tragic.

I wish I could sit and mourn my loss for long but Nigel needs to be replaced ASAP. Seeing as no one will be benevolent enough to buy me a ‘phone designed for humans’ I’ll just hope that whatever I get is at least fit for a mammal’s use. Probably a sturdy Nokia, with street smarts. Something commonplace and Kenyan. I’ll even name him something as Kenyan as Brayo, Deno, Marto or Kevo (Voke?).

In totally unrelated news, zombies are highly underrated. They are très cool yet girls choose to drool over vampires. Vampires suck, zombies rule...