Skip to main content

What a way to go: Zombie apocalypse


I had some reservations about writing this post. You see, much as I am one of those people who have saved a copy of ‘2012: The Movie’, in Blu-ray so that I can have a nice laugh when watching it in 2013, part of me is apprehensive. That part is the one that has been watching all sorts of possible apocalypse movies. Being a Christian, I know that when the world ends all the righteous will fly off to paradise and those who will be unfortunate enough to get left behind will have to deal with a vicious world ruler who will force them to have gory tattoos on their foreheads or arms. (Talk about poor fashion sense!). To some extent, such an ending isn’t too scary. At least even if I were to be separated from my loved ones I would know that they are at a happier place.
Unfortunately, not all apocalypse theories are so rosy. Take a zombie apocalypse for instance. You either turn into a mindless cannibal; or watch everyone you knew and cared for turn into one; or decide that the world has become too messed up and you commit suicide. I think the reason why the zombie apocalypse theory is so popular is because most people are pessimists like me. We expect the worst so that in the end we are either pleasantly surprised or proved right. In my opinion, the end of the world does not get worse that a zombie apocalypse so if I am prepared for one, I will be able to handle pretty much any other apocalypse.
So, what facts do we have about the zombie apocalypse? None, actually… The Center for Disease Control (CDC) has published a pamphlet on preparedness called Preparedness 101: Zombie pandemic. I suppose they followed my line of thinking…if you can be prepared for a zombie outbreak, you are ready for pretty much anything. I can see you letting out a sigh of relief and thinking, “If the US government is prepared for this thing then we should be safe, right?” Wrong! If you must know, in the publication, the zombies break into one of the safe zones and ambush the hapless victims who thought they could trust the government.
This brings me to my first rule in my own Preparedness 101:
1.       Look out for your own hind. Don’t wait like a sitting duck for the government to evacuate you, provide supplies and a cure for this new madness. Hell, if after all these decades a cure for HIV hasn’t been found, what makes you think that on for a zombie pandemic will be found?  If you are Kenyan you can move onto rule no. 2. You don’t need an apocalypse to show you the inherent weaknesses of your government.
2.       Make friends with a pizza delivery guy or the appropriate equivalent of that. In Kenya I would suggest you make friends with a street hawker. You will need someone who knows his way around. Someone who can get in and out fast when you need to loot for supplies. Someone with the street smarts…someone like Glenn in The Walking Dead.
Don't let the guitar fool you- he's a bad-ass somewhat
3.       There are two ways to look at your plus-sized friends… they could be the death of you when you need to make a quick getaway… or squeeze through a tiny space. Or they could be your saving grace if they are benevolent enough to sacrifice themselves for you. By the time the zombies are done eating them up you will have covered some ground. Yes, I know…how inhuman, sacrificing you friends like that. But in truth we do it all the time. All that bitching, backstabbing, stealing of boy (girl) friends, and stepping on each other’s toes. It’s not as if any significant world order will be changed by your act of betrayal.
The fat guy that Shane so aptly sacrificed in 'The Walking Dead'
4.       Learn how to shoot an arrow, swing a pan, hold your breath for long stretches of time, go for days without a shower or a decent meal…in short, forget your humanity and embrace the animal in you.

I am not an expert at this whole survival thing…frankly I think I would just sit this apocalypse out and wait for one that is more my forte. Preferably one where the smell of rotting flesh isn’t so potent... But I went out of my way to dig up some ‘expert opinions’ for you: 6 Sensible Things You Should Never Do in a Zombie Outbreak

However, instead of over-analyzing conspiracy theories and such, I suggest  you make the most of the time that you have with those you love... so that no matter how it ends, you will have no regrets. A very smart friend of mine told me about this song: 'Monalisa' by All American Rejects.
 You can sit beside me when the world comes down  
If it doesn't matter then just turn around 
 We don't need our bags and we can just leave town 
 You can sit beside me when the world comes down
And I suppose that if it ever comes to that, that's all we'll need: someone to be there for us. 

 


Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

The Girl Code... Not Neccesarily in that Order.

"The only rule is don't be boring and dress cute wherever you go. Life is too short to blend in." Society can be such a drag. What, with all the unwritten, unsaid rules and codes. Guys have an elaborate ‘Bro Code’. In fact there’s a whole website . You will be surprised that Rule no. 1 of it is not the (in)famous ‘Bros before whores’. Girls have their own code too, though it’s not set in stone and varies among different groups of girls. The Girl code is especially tricky to girls like me who aren’t exactly programmed like other girls. So, I have a list of essential rules in the Girl Code. Some come with disclaimers and modifications. Some are universal while others are just stuff that my friends and I have come up with along the way. 1.        Should a Girl be critically injured, her Side-Girls are to never make jokes about it, unless the hurt Girl does first. I love my girlfriends…very much, but if said critical injury has risen as a resul...
3 comments
Read more

Of Doing Milk and Staying Young

Boredom inspires/ drives me to do the unthinkable... like texting him to say how I couldn’t stand pretending that I didn’t like him...or drinking a glass of milk. I do not DO milk. And no, I am not lactose intolerant. As Max in ‘2 Broke Girls’ aptly points out, “Poor people don’t just run out to buy anti-biotics. You man up, grow a pair, and stare germs in the face...booyah!” I may not be poor but I am definitely not rich. People in my economic bracket don’t get fancy diseases like eczema. We get rashes, and if you want to get all fancy then you will have to do with ‘allergies’. So, no, I am not lactose intolerant. Where I come from it’s just a plain, simple ‘I don’t drink milk.’ But here I am, with a now half empty glass of milk. (I hope you can detect the pessimism there or else my pun will have gone to waste) I suppose the ‘Do Milk, Stay Young’ campaign hasn’t gone to waste. All that sexual objectification of infants wasn’t in vain. “Sexual objectification?” you ask. Yes, ...
4 comments
Read more

Fighting for my right to be wrong.

I feel as if our relationship has been progressing at an admirable rate... progressing enough for me not to just assume that someone somewhere is reading this, but to hope that this is so. Today has been a Monday, true to form. Murphy s law through and through. Anything that  could go wrong DID go wrong...but I don't want to bore you with the gory details. I do need to mention, though, that I was diagnosed with alarmingly high levels of typhoid fever. To be frank, I didn't feel THAT ill. I was simply mildly sick with a stomach ache and a head ache but the pharmacist wouldn't give me any meds until he had run some tests.Even after the diagnosis I still felt pretty amazing considering the shocked expression on the lab tech's face as he tries to make me understand how 'grave' my situation was. Dad wasn't as flippant about it as I was (His own face-to-face encounter with typhoid had confined him to bed for a week and he couldn't believe that my body was...
1 comment
Read more