Tuesday, 24 September 2013

Demystifying Girls' Bathrooms

Girls need not read this post. I would ask them to wait for me to find a resourceful male friend who can ‘demystify’ guys’ bathrooms to me in turn but we all know that nothing male-related is even remotely mystical. Guys, on the other hand, can learn a few actual facts. Thanks to Orange Is TheNew Black (OITNB), many a guy now think girls’ bathrooms are a lesbian fest. Boobs flailing all around the place, girls making out while making up each other’s faces; contemptuous looks being exchanged over that coveted toilet stall… Unfortunately, while that may be the situation in a Federal Women’s prison, it’s not usually the case in reality. So, no… should you sneak into the ladies, you’ll probably not see even a single boob… not even side-boob.  

Fortunately, I stay at a Girls’ Hostel when I am at school… and in a lot of respects, our bathrooms are a lot like a Federal Women’s prison’s.  For instance, on one rather unfortunate Monday morning I woke up earlier than usual so that I could shower in peace and not have to start my week by being confronted by various parts of the female anatomy that did not in any way resemble Beyoncé’s (and hence were not in any way sexually appealing to me). You can imagine my blurry eyed shock when I ran into a half-naked, middle aged woman who continued to undress before stepping into the shower. It didn’t help that she told me, “Don’t mind me…” while wearing a grin that very much resembled Crazy Eyes’. Gotta love Murphy’s Law!
Crazy Eyes from OITNB... 

Contemptuous looks are exchanged over coveted bathroom stalls. I try to stay above all this by showering earlier than the Muggles but sometimes I oversleep and get a front row seat to childish scuffles. Once, I stepped into the shower and was just about to turn the water on when someone nonchalantly drew my shower curtain and told me, “Could you get into the next shower? I really like the one you are in and I can’t use any other.” The rest of the conversation went something like:
          Me: Excuse me?
          Her: Please…
          Me: How old are you?
          Her: 20
         Me: Oh, ok… 20 year old who’s acting like someone took your favourite blankie, can I at least wrap myself with my towel before we can discuss this any further…

There is also the usual Muggle-like ignorance. I once overheard this conversation that would put many blonde jokes to shame.
            Girl X: Can foot diseases be transmitted. (I am assuming she had noticed something alarming on her  feet.)
             Girl Y: I’m not sure… I don’t think so… Maybe athlete’s foot. (Which she pronounced as ‘athletee’s foot’)  

(Long pause)
Or maybe Foot and Mouth.
Girl X: (Sounding quite alarmed) Foot and Mouth! That’s so scary!

The more I write, the more I discover that that there isn’t much of a mystery here. No secret of life will be unearthed by spending time at a girl’s bathroom. If anything, the silly theories you hear are bound to blow your mind. I blame it all on the pungent hand wash… I mean, why else would otherwise normal women behave so strangely in bathrooms?

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