Tuesday, 24 September 2013

Demystifying Girls' Bathrooms

Girls need not read this post. I would ask them to wait for me to find a resourceful male friend who can ‘demystify’ guys’ bathrooms to me in turn but we all know that nothing male-related is even remotely mystical. Guys, on the other hand, can learn a few actual facts. Thanks to Orange Is TheNew Black (OITNB), many a guy now think girls’ bathrooms are a lesbian fest. Boobs flailing all around the place, girls making out while making up each other’s faces; contemptuous looks being exchanged over that coveted toilet stall… Unfortunately, while that may be the situation in a Federal Women’s prison, it’s not usually the case in reality. So, no… should you sneak into the ladies, you’ll probably not see even a single boob… not even side-boob.  

Fortunately, I stay at a Girls’ Hostel when I am at school… and in a lot of respects, our bathrooms are a lot like a Federal Women’s prison’s.  For instance, on one rather unfortunate Monday morning I woke up earlier than usual so that I could shower in peace and not have to start my week by being confronted by various parts of the female anatomy that did not in any way resemble BeyoncĂ©’s (and hence were not in any way sexually appealing to me). You can imagine my blurry eyed shock when I ran into a half-naked, middle aged woman who continued to undress before stepping into the shower. It didn’t help that she told me, “Don’t mind me…” while wearing a grin that very much resembled Crazy Eyes’. Gotta love Murphy’s Law!
Crazy Eyes from OITNB... 

Contemptuous looks are exchanged over coveted bathroom stalls. I try to stay above all this by showering earlier than the Muggles but sometimes I oversleep and get a front row seat to childish scuffles. Once, I stepped into the shower and was just about to turn the water on when someone nonchalantly drew my shower curtain and told me, “Could you get into the next shower? I really like the one you are in and I can’t use any other.” The rest of the conversation went something like:
          Me: Excuse me?
          Her: Please…
          Me: How old are you?
          Her: 20
         Me: Oh, ok… 20 year old who’s acting like someone took your favourite blankie, can I at least wrap myself with my towel before we can discuss this any further…

There is also the usual Muggle-like ignorance. I once overheard this conversation that would put many blonde jokes to shame.
            Girl X: Can foot diseases be transmitted. (I am assuming she had noticed something alarming on her  feet.)
             Girl Y: I’m not sure… I don’t think so… Maybe athlete’s foot. (Which she pronounced as ‘athletee’s foot’)  

(Long pause)
Or maybe Foot and Mouth.
Girl X: (Sounding quite alarmed) Foot and Mouth! That’s so scary!

The more I write, the more I discover that that there isn’t much of a mystery here. No secret of life will be unearthed by spending time at a girl’s bathroom. If anything, the silly theories you hear are bound to blow your mind. I blame it all on the pungent hand wash… I mean, why else would otherwise normal women behave so strangely in bathrooms?

Monday, 16 September 2013

Crush! Crush! Crush!

I have a new crush… like a real one. A real, live one! Not that the previous ones were dead or anything. They were very much alive. They were just not ‘in the flesh’. The likes of Wentworth Miller, who, it seems, didn’t think that the 20 year age difference between us made our relationship hard enough. He had to go ahead and rub his being gay in my face.
* Takes deep breathes and puts Ryan Lewis’ Same Love on repeat* 
There was also Ian Somerhalder… not so much Ian as the vampire he plays in The Vampire Diaries. He is hot but unfortunately he doesn’t meet criterion 2/2: ‘Being Alive’.

Unfortunately, I don't do 'undead'.

However, kuteseka ni kwa muda. Good things come to those who wait. Hope is that thing with wings… Okay, I don’t have the time to quote clichĂ©s. I have a new crush! You poor dear, you probably have no idea why I am this excited. You see, having a crush is not about the warm, fuzzy feelings and the sudden realization that every bad mushy love song was written with the two of you in mind. No, having a new crush is all about the thrill of having a new person to stalk. The less you know about the person, the more exhilarating the search will be.  It’s been a while and I know I’ve grown a little rusty but I’ll try to remember the basics so that I can break it down to you.

Personal Information. I don’t need to point out that the name, home and work address, phone number, KRA pin, blood type, BMI, police records, football team, web history, Facebook username, twitter handle and possibly kik username are the first things that you need to find out. No, unlike what the movies want to make you believe, you don’t need to hack into the police database for this stuff. You just need to infiltrate your crush’s inner circle. Work your way to the middle without causing any ripples. Should this fail to get you the desired information; you can always use death threats, blackmail and catnapping (no, we do not kidnap. What do you take me for? Some psycho?) as ammo.

Armed with this information, you can now find ways to strategically place yourself under your crush’s nose. Sit at their table at lunch; creep behind them in the book aisles in the library (that shit is romantic, trust me); acquire a sudden taste in his favourite football team (for God’s sake try to acquire some actual facts. Statements like ‘Ozil has such pretty, big eyes’ will get you booted. Try something like: ‘Ozil made two assists in their last game.’); show up at his favourite bar, ice cream parlour, coffee house, mutura outlet, grocery… the opportunities are infinite. 
With eyes like that who needs horoscopes?

Do NOT make initial contact. Look pretty and be constantly in his face and eventually he’ll get around to talking to you. (The talk may be in the form of a restriction order but let’s hope that it doesn’t get to that.) When he eventually does, make sure that you are armed with wit, sassiness and a great sense of humour… or a great pair of boobs. Make sure to casually bring his interests into the conversation. If possible, quote some of his tweets back to him. He will be taken aback at how similar the two of you are… how very soul-mate like… Keep initial contact short so as to build his anticipation.

At this point everything should pretty much fall into place if you’ve played your cards right. The lover will gradually turn to the beloved as the crush gets to know and consequently like you more and more. You’ll get into the habit of speaking 10 times a day. You’ll do all you favourite things together (in my case, this involves watching Juno 12 times). You’ll be happy. However, unless he’s the ONE, one of you will soon get bored. The exhilaration of the hunt will die down. You’ll fade into barely friends, acquaintances, and eventually… nothing.

So, about my tall, well built, light-skinned new crush who smells like sunshine after a gloomy morning…? I should get down to business. I don’t even know his name. I should, but I won’t. You see, I already know how the story will end. He’s not the ONE.