Monday, 10 September 2012

What a way to go: Zombie apocalypse

I had some reservations about writing this post. You see, much as I am one of those people who have saved a copy of ‘2012: The Movie’, in Blu-ray so that I can have a nice laugh when watching it in 2013, part of me is apprehensive. That part is the one that has been watching all sorts of possible apocalypse movies. Being a Christian, I know that when the world ends all the righteous will fly off to paradise and those who will be unfortunate enough to get left behind will have to deal with a vicious world ruler who will force them to have gory tattoos on their foreheads or arms. (Talk about poor fashion sense!). To some extent, such an ending isn’t too scary. At least even if I were to be separated from my loved ones I would know that they are at a happier place.
Unfortunately, not all apocalypse theories are so rosy. Take a zombie apocalypse for instance. You either turn into a mindless cannibal; or watch everyone you knew and cared for turn into one; or decide that the world has become too messed up and you commit suicide. I think the reason why the zombie apocalypse theory is so popular is because most people are pessimists like me. We expect the worst so that in the end we are either pleasantly surprised or proved right. In my opinion, the end of the world does not get worse that a zombie apocalypse so if I am prepared for one, I will be able to handle pretty much any other apocalypse.
So, what facts do we have about the zombie apocalypse? None, actually… The Center for Disease Control (CDC) has published a pamphlet on preparedness called Preparedness 101: Zombie pandemic. I suppose they followed my line of thinking…if you can be prepared for a zombie outbreak, you are ready for pretty much anything. I can see you letting out a sigh of relief and thinking, “If the US government is prepared for this thing then we should be safe, right?” Wrong! If you must know, in the publication, the zombies break into one of the safe zones and ambush the hapless victims who thought they could trust the government.
This brings me to my first rule in my own Preparedness 101:
1.       Look out for your own hind. Don’t wait like a sitting duck for the government to evacuate you, provide supplies and a cure for this new madness. Hell, if after all these decades a cure for HIV hasn’t been found, what makes you think that on for a zombie pandemic will be found?  If you are Kenyan you can move onto rule no. 2. You don’t need an apocalypse to show you the inherent weaknesses of your government.
2.       Make friends with a pizza delivery guy or the appropriate equivalent of that. In Kenya I would suggest you make friends with a street hawker. You will need someone who knows his way around. Someone who can get in and out fast when you need to loot for supplies. Someone with the street smarts…someone like Glenn in The Walking Dead.
Don't let the guitar fool you- he's a bad-ass somewhat
3.       There are two ways to look at your plus-sized friends… they could be the death of you when you need to make a quick getaway… or squeeze through a tiny space. Or they could be your saving grace if they are benevolent enough to sacrifice themselves for you. By the time the zombies are done eating them up you will have covered some ground. Yes, I know…how inhuman, sacrificing you friends like that. But in truth we do it all the time. All that bitching, backstabbing, stealing of boy (girl) friends, and stepping on each other’s toes. It’s not as if any significant world order will be changed by your act of betrayal.
The fat guy that Shane so aptly sacrificed in 'The Walking Dead'
4.       Learn how to shoot an arrow, swing a pan, hold your breath for long stretches of time, go for days without a shower or a decent meal…in short, forget your humanity and embrace the animal in you.

I am not an expert at this whole survival thing…frankly I think I would just sit this apocalypse out and wait for one that is more my forte. Preferably one where the smell of rotting flesh isn’t so potent... But I went out of my way to dig up some ‘expert opinions’ for you: 6 Sensible Things You Should Never Do in a Zombie Outbreak

However, instead of over-analyzing conspiracy theories and such, I suggest  you make the most of the time that you have with those you love... so that no matter how it ends, you will have no regrets. A very smart friend of mine told me about this song: 'Monalisa' by All American Rejects.
 You can sit beside me when the world comes down  
If it doesn't matter then just turn around 
 We don't need our bags and we can just leave town 
 You can sit beside me when the world comes down
And I suppose that if it ever comes to that, that's all we'll need: someone to be there for us. 


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