Of Doing Milk and Staying Young


Boredom inspires/ drives me to do the unthinkable... like texting him to say how I couldn’t stand pretending that I didn’t like him...or drinking a glass of milk. I do not DO milk. And no, I am not lactose intolerant. As Max in ‘2 Broke Girls’ aptly points out, “Poor people don’t just run out to buy anti-biotics. You man up, grow a pair, and stare germs in the face...booyah!” I may not be poor but I am definitely not rich. People in my economic bracket don’t get fancy diseases like eczema. We get rashes, and if you want to get all fancy then you will have to do with ‘allergies’. So, no, I am not lactose intolerant. Where I come from it’s just a plain, simple ‘I don’t drink milk.’ But here I am, with a now half empty glass of milk. (I hope you can detect the pessimism there or else my pun will have gone to waste)

I suppose the ‘Do Milk, Stay Young’campaign hasn’t gone to waste. All that sexual objectification of infants wasn’t in vain. “Sexual objectification?” you ask. Yes, research has shown that a significant number of people, upon hearing the phrase ‘Do Milk’, thought not of milk, that rich, supposedly delicious and life-giving fluid. No, the first thing that came into their mind was bestiality, followed by boobs. Milk was a distant third. I know, even I was shocked to discover that the perverts I knew were actually formidable and surmountable. There are greater forces out there. 

What is my point exactly? Well, my point is, that thanks to savvy, dancing, and milk-drinking babies at a bar; I might just have to rewrite my fate. I always thought I would live to a ripe old age...old enough to die of osteoporosis- a condition where an old woman’s  bones become weak ...fragile...porous. I would get osteoporosis because of my calcium deficiency, because of the fact that I wouldn’t drink milk. It seemed like an okay way to go, respectable even... no major fuss. (And there is nothing weird about thinking of how I would rather die at 19.) I was going to be able to ‘Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth’. Now I suppose I have to rethink my strategy. Osteoporosis will be hard to get when I have been taking a glass of milk every day... because taking that glass makes the sexual objectification of those babies a little less worse. 

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4 comments:

Anonymous said...

lol...Ivy, this is just crazy. Not to sound like a perv but i love that ad...cracks me up every time...although i have to admit those guys who came up with that ad have got serious issues, i mean who thinks along those lines....who????

Ifehenia said...

Anonymous, :-D Kenyan advertising is 'simply Kenyan'. Whatever my views about the ad, it does get the message across.

Anonymous said...

thanks for sharing..

willpress said...

Still not drinking milk? Over the past year, I have gravitated towards avoiding it at all costs as my body is showing serious signs of rejecting the stuff. Worry not. So much research has emerged debunking many of the supposed health benefits of (fresh, processed) milk for adults. It's simply better to get the vitamins and other nutrients from other sources. But of course, the dairy industry sonkos will never tell us that, they'll just shove babies in our faces or other cute mum-daughter moments in their ads.

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