Boredom inspires/ drives me to do the unthinkable... like
texting him to say how I couldn’t stand pretending that I didn’t like him...or drinking a glass of milk. I do not DO milk. And no, I am not lactose intolerant. As Max in ‘2 Broke Girls’ aptly points out, “Poor people don’t just run out to buy anti-biotics. You man up, grow a pair, and stare germs in the face...booyah!” I may not be poor but I am definitely not rich. People in my economic bracket don’t get fancy diseases like eczema. We get rashes, and if you want to get all fancy then you will have to do with ‘allergies’. So, no, I am not lactose intolerant. Where I come from it’s just a plain, simple ‘I don’t drink milk.’ But here I am, with a now half empty glass of milk. (I hope you can detect the pessimism there or else my pun will have gone to waste)
I suppose the ‘Do Milk, Stay Young’campaign hasn’t gone to waste. All that sexual objectification of infants wasn’t in vain. “Sexual objectification?” you ask. Yes, research has shown that a significant number of people, upon hearing the phrase ‘Do Milk’, thought not of milk, that rich, supposedly delicious and life-giving fluid. No, the first thing that came into their mind was bestiality, followed by boobs. Milk was a distant third. I know, even I was shocked to discover that the perverts I knew were actually formidable and surmountable. There are greater forces out there.
What is my point exactly? Well, my point is, that thanks to savvy, dancing, and milk-drinking babies at a bar; I might just have to rewrite my fate. I always thought I would live to a ripe old age...old enough to die of osteoporosis- a condition where an old woman’s bones become weak ...fragile...porous. I would get osteoporosis because of my calcium deficiency, because of the fact that I wouldn’t drink milk. It seemed like an okay way to go, respectable even... no major fuss. (And there is nothing weird about thinking of how I would rather die at 19.) I was going to be able to ‘Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth’. Now I suppose I have to rethink my strategy. Osteoporosis will be hard to get when I have been taking a glass of milk every day... because taking that glass makes the sexual objectification of those babies a little less worse.